“Give it back!”
“It’s mine!”
“Mooooom!”
“Dad!!!”
Sound familiar? This orchestra of noise in common in many households. It’s normal for siblings to fight with each other. However, we want to ensure that these conflicts are not getting in the way of generally happy and healthy sibling relationships. One of the most common areas of conflict is over toys or other desired items like iPads or the TV. Try following these steps when your kids fight with each other.
- Gently take the desired item into your own hands. Children have a harder time focusing on being fair when they already have the item in their possession. Let the kids know the toy will come back once everyone is calm and in agreement with the plan. Ask for the item with a open palm and a gentle voice “I’m going to hold onto the toy until everyone agrees to a plan”. Try to avoid grabbing the item away (this will just create more chaos).
- Calm everyone down. This includes you! Negotiation and tough conversations go best when everyone is calm. Focus on helping your kids settle themselves. This may include taking quiet time in a room, going for a walk, or getting a glass of ice water. Sometimes the whole family may need a break. It’s great modeling for your kids to see you take a moment to calm your own body and mind.
- If you’ve got a little one who isn’t ready or not able to calm down and keeps screaming, fighting, throwing things, or crying, help them get settled before moving on. You can gently let them know the toy is going to take a break until everyone is calm and ready to talk. Keep offering and modeling coping skills until he or she settles down.
- Guide the kids in negotiation. Got everyone settled? Good! Now we can negotiate. Ask each child what they think would be fair. Help them see what makes for a fair exchange. You’ll be surprised how often kids can come up with fair plans when given time to think and calm down! If one child does not want to share at all, validate that urge. “It’s ok to want to have extra time with the toy.” Then offer a time limit “Do you need 3 minutes or 5 minutes before you’re ready to let your sister have a turn?”This can help the child feel enough control to share calmly. Some items might be too special to share, if that’s the case help the other child understand why this item isn’t being shared then help them find another toy to play with.
- Build patience. Once negotiations are agreed upon, help the child who is waiting find something else to distract them. Teaching kids to wait patiently can make everyone feel better.
- If at any point negotiations break down, go back to calming everyone down.
The secret weapon here is your own emotional control. If you can stay calm and cool, you’re half way through the battle.
Remember, parenting should be hard but not overwhelming. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out for help!